Lost & Not Found

I am lost and cannot be found. I finally get near the part of the grieving process over the loss of my Dad where I can be content when I have to start the grieving process all over again for something not related to death but definitely and probably more of a trauma.

This past Wednesday, I did what I have done many times and I went on a date with a guy I met online. I went to his house and saw the inside why he put his shoes on. We then went to dinner at a chain restaurant and everything seemed to be going well. He seemed and sounded normal enough for me to even drive the hour to meet him. During dinner there were no red flags saying that there is something weird with this guy. Then we went to Walmart to get some stuff and were going to head to his place to watch a movie. (I know, going to his place is really stupid, but I had done that before without anything happening.)

So, he puts on the movie and we sit on the couch where we start kissing each other. Then his hands are up my shirt and down my pants. I told him no and he said hold on I have something that you’ll enjoy. He comes back with a vibrator and condom and takes my pants half way off. He starts messing with the vibrator and has me holding it. Then he begins to put on a condom. I asked him why he is putting on a condom because I said there was no way we are having sex. He said let me just mess around on the outside, I said I don’t want to have sex and he continued to do what he was doing. Now at this point my head and neck are in such a position that they are ready to snap so he pulls me further down the couch and continues what he was already up to. I told him I wanted to stop and he said just let him cum so I just froze and let him finish.

He cleaned himself up and after he got up I got up to put my pants back on. He came back in the room and goes no pants and pulls me onto the couch. He says my favorite part cuddling. At this point I am sitting there in his arms with tears quietly sliding down my face. I do not let him know that I am crying. Once I’m in control of myself I am able to get up and go to the bathroom. As I walk away he smacks me on the butt and goes smack that ass. I went to the bathroom and got my soda from the fridge. I again picked up my pants and he stopped me pulling me down.

I said you’re tired and need to be up early for work and I need to drive home so you should go to sleep. He was like you should sleep over. I said no, I have to go home and take my medicine and he needs to go to sleep. At this point I stand up and he hits me in the ass again but lets me put my pants back on. Then, unfortunately, I sat down to put my shoes on and he pulled me in again. I said I need to leave and he was again saying I should spend the night.

I finally convinced him that he should go to bed and that I should leave. So he hugged me and started kissing me again before I left. I said to him, I told you I did not want to do that, that I did not want to have sex. He says to me, you enjoyed it and you let me. The last thing he said was that the next time I was going to sleep over next time. I didn’t even respond and just walked out of his place and got into my car. I got my GPS started and even got lost trying to get back on the highway.

Now as I drive home I am in hysterics and it is relatively “early” in the evening. I call Kimberly, text her, and call her back. I was sobbing the whole ride home. She was lost and I was lost. I called my cousin who knew I was meeting a guy that everything was okay because I didn’t want her to worry about me. I didn’t want anyone to worry about me or know. I was thinking to myself, I don’t even want Mom to know. I know that in the end I should have went straight to the hospital and not showered but I was so set on going home, showering, and passing out, that is what I did.

Matt called me the next morning and told me I have to report him to the police. I broke down and called Mom and asked her to come home ASAP. She went to her Principal Brian and said she had an emergency and had to go home. She told him that she did not know what she was going home to. Brian asked her if I had called her and she said yes. Within minutes I have a text from Brian asking if I’m okay and I say I just need Mom at that point and time. Mom was home immediately afterwards. I told her what happened and she started making all the calls. I kept getting told I had to go back to PA to report the rape but I insisted that there was no way I was going back there. So, the lady I was talking to had a cop call me.

At this point I had sent Mom back to work because she was freaking me out just sitting there and staring. By the time she got home, the officer had called, and I was still calm. Brian had sent Mom home with information and I followed up on what he sent. Then I ended up going to Robert Wood John to have a rape kit done. I was at the hospital for 6 hours and had a forensic nurse come and do a forensic rape kit even though there was nothing to be found. So Mom and I went home to have dinner, have something to drink, and go to bed. I knew I was going to have a last minute psychiatrist appointment in the morning.

There is so much more to this story but this is all I can type at the moment.

Michael “Mike” #?

There seems to be a force around me that majority of the guys that I meet online are named Michael. I am not sure what number Michael I am on but this one is making me feel something I never felt before. Not even Michael #1 who I thought this whole time I want to be back with but I’m not sure if that is the case anymore. I think I was holding onto him because he seemed to still have a slight interest in me. At least when he wants me to come over from time to time and hug him a lot and take naps. That is not normal at all and I can’t believe I keep going to him and falling for it. Now that I’m talking with Michael #? I have a whole new look on life. He is older by a few years but still in his 30’s. He was born in MN but moved to Belgium where he was raised and then moved back to MN. So, he has a slight accent but speaks proper English and types properly too. He was married and is now a widower for 4 years. He has a 7 year old son who is currently living in MN with his Mom. Michael lives here in NJ for 4 months now. When he settles down he wants to bring his son to live here in NJ. He has quite a story going for him that I poke at here and there but he is consistent with everything he has told me. He has never changed his story at all. Supposedly now a proposal of his got accepted and he’ll be in Africa for 3 weeks but that same day his Mom was in an accident and he had to fly to MN to see her and make sure they were okay. Then tomorrow he is supposedly leaving for Africa for 3 weeks but he says he’ll keep in touch and we will meet as soon as he is back. Everything he said has the possibility of being true, especially since there seem to be no holes in his story. I didn’t tell Ash the part about him going to Africa because I know she would then question his story. She agrees that this can go either way and that in 3 weeks we will no for sure. He is a sweet talker, I will definitely say that. Him having a kid could also work in my advantage because then may be he won’t be expecting me to have another kid. I will not try to replace the kids Mom because I am not his Mom and he shouldn’t forget about her. What would be great is he’ll have a lot of cousins and one is a boy who is his age and I think that will be great for both his son, Daniel, and Finn! I even have told him about the bipolar because our conversations have gotten serious and I felt he needs to know. He said he’ll accept it all because he has fallen in love with how caring I am. Since he is with his Mom until tomorrow, Michael said he has told his Mother about me and shown her pictures. Her one Critical comment was I need to lose weight and I told Michael that I am working on that. He told her that he was fine with it and that it shouldn’t matter to her then. He says all the right things and it just makes me feel different inside. I just hope that everything he is telling me is true because I am falling for this guy big time. If he doesn’t come home in 3 weeks and I don’t meet him then I’ll know of course this is a hoax. I told Ash that we won’t know for 3 weeks. He did call me today and that caught me by surprise because he hasn’t called me yet. He tried one night but the calls weren’t going through. So, to talk with him and hear his voice today was a real treat. I so hope this works out and that he is the man of my dreams that he is sounding like! For now, he is going to be called Michael because I don’t want anymore Mike’s at this time. If it becomes really serious I will go back and forth between Michael and Mike. See which one sticks!

Month of May and Forward

Well, it is time to start the second half of the year’s craziness with events. Tomorrow is Lyla’s 3rd Birthday but we are celebrating tonight. Our little “trouble-maker” is getting big and I love her so much! I will see all of them tonight and that will be enough for me at this time. Then on another note, Margie turns 60 today and tomorrow her daughter is throwing her a surprise party. So I am going to go in time for Angelina’s soccer game and then help setup prior to the party. Sunday is Mother’s Day and we will be at my sister’s house. Kate will be joining us of course but she hasn’t been getting on my nerves as much. So, that is good…

Next weekend is just jammed again. On Saturday we have Brittany’s and Tom’s Wedding. I have to monitor how much I party because we are going home that night. We have to be up Sunday Morning for Mary’s 1st Communion and that means at the church by 9:00 in the morning. So, I need to be able to function in the morning, so no partying hard at the wedding. I’m interested to see who I am seated with at the wedding.

The following weekend is Memorial Day Weekend… So, there May is booked up, but the celebrations continue!

On June 2nd we have Nora’s 5th Birthday and on June 3rd it is Charlie’s and Claire’s 5th Birthday. I believe we are celebrating Mom’s and Nora’s Birthday’s on Mom’s actual Birthday, June 6th. June just culminates with some Doctor appointments. That is about it.

July, the festivities continue. We have the usual 4th of July and on the 17th of July it is Finn’s 7th Birthday. Again, the rest is filled in with doctor appointments.

August, we have Maureen’s Birthday, Camp if I decide to go, and I’m volunteering at The Barclay’s golf tournament that weekend. So, just busy with different things for the next few moths. Then September and October we are quiet and November through January we are busy again with Birthday’s and Holiday’s. We could actually say the May, June, July, August, celebrations start in April with Easter.

Oh yea, Beau’s 2nd Birthday is in June and Corky’s 4th Birthday is in August. Just to much going on!

So, hopefully I don’t get overwhelmed and that I’m able to handle of of this social life stuff!

Being “Ill”

I am tired of having some sort of medical issues. I have literally been treated from head to toe and in between and it is not fun. Supposedly the plantar fascitis that started in my feet, may really have been the start of my rheumatoid arthritis. We are still working on trying to find the funds for the shot I need to stop the virus from actively attacking my body. It can be painful at times and I find myself in wrist braces more often then not. I am in one as I type this and it makes it kind of awkward to type. Yet, I have been making an adjustment and what needs to be done gets done.

So, I was on a shot before but with the changes in insurance and doctors I lost the arthritis treatment I had been receiving. I could probably afford to get on the once a month IV treatment that is similar to the Simponi that I was on but that medication had led to me getting sick each month. Which means I have a weakened immune system. Which is not good because just being on Amoxicillian had done a number on me. Yet, I am finally off of it, I think I finished it today, so hopefully I will begin to recover.

Then, I’m battling with the mental health end of medications. Every time I feel like I’m finally in control, I find out that I’m more out of control. I also hate that I can’t tell the difference between my mania and being “normal.” Since my mania is so close to resembling normalcy it is a struggle for me at times to tell the difference.

Then there is the biopsy that was not very pleasant. It was in an unpleasant area and on my inner thigh. Both spots have stitches in them and it makes it kind of unbearable to deal with at a time. Luckily it was Suzette Johnson, Dr. Johnson, who did the procedure. She is the only doctor of this type that I trust. It helps that I know her on a personal level and she can handle my anxiety and keep me calm. I have to now wait to see what the results are and if it is anything at all.

So, in the mean time, I just “keep on trucking.” It is the least that I can do for now. I am hoping the biopsy will show that these things that were removed are just like last time. Having stitches though makes it awkward for certain things. Lets just see what happens!

So, hopefully the medical will continue to clear up. I am still seeing Matt every 2 weeks. I have other doctor appointments scheduled here and there. That is about it though and I feel like that is enough for now!

Why Bother

So, I betrayed Chloe’s trust in me. She told me that a boy she was seeing got physical with her and left marks. She asked me not to tell her Mom but I knew there was no way I could keep this a secret. This happened last week and I got a really angry text from Chloe saying that she is never talking to me again. That she is blocking my number and wants nothing to do with me. So, I wrote her a letter explaining myself and letting her know how hard it was for me to tell her Mother but how it was in her best interest and the best interest of others. I went and ordered her Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul on Tough Stuff in hopes that some of the stories may let her know she isn’t the only one with these feelings. I have also bought a sketch book that I think she will like but I am waiting until I see her in person to give her that.

That is part of the problem though. I have tried to reach out to Rachel quite a few times and she is not responding. I am hoping that Chloe is not dictating whether or not I’m allowed in the house like she does with Amy. If she tells Rachel that she isn’t comfortable with me being there and Rachel goes with it, well I don’t even want to go there. The thought of it just brings tears to my eyes. I feel like not only did I lose Chloe’s trust, but that I also have lost a friend by letting her know that her daughter may be in trouble. Each time I reach out to Rachel she doesn’t respond or tells me she is to busy to talk or doesn’t want to be on the phone. I do care about Chloe but I’m not just checking in on that. I want to see how she is, how Colin’s doing, and how things are going at the house. I feel like I am now just another problem in her life.

Okay, I need to stop thinking about this. It is making me want to cry more and more. The ball is in Rachel’s court and it is up to her to contact me now. If she does not want me in her life and wants to let Chloe dictate who comes in and out of their house then I guess our friendship wasn’t as strong as I thought it was. I only just dropped everything to go help Chloe not to long ago. Okay, I need to stop this, I need to not obsess over this because it will drive me crazier then it already is.

I am on the depressive side of a swing of emotions. I want to kill myself but know it isn’t an option at all. I don’t want to handle life anymore…. I need to get my act together and just be chill. Why is this so hard for me?!

Maryland S.O.S.

A week ago on Friday I got a text message from my friend R., who lives in Maryland, about needing help with her daughter Ch. Now, it is often hard for R. to reach out for help but apparently the past month has been really rough with her daughter Ch. That Friday, Ch. had gotten suspended for having a razor blade in school.  She apparently has been cutting herself and is struggling a lot emotionally.  Ch. told her Mom that I was one of the people she would talk to and therefore R. asked me to come down to Maryland to see what help I could offer.  Being that it was snowing in New Jersey last Friday I told R. I would leave on Saturday morning. So by 9:00 Saturday I was out the door and heading for my 4 hour drive to Maryland.

On that coming Monday it was R.’s son, Co’s, 10th Birthday. R. had plans on taking Co. and two friends out to dinner and a trampoline park.  So, I took that opportunity to head out to dinner with Ch. and bond with her a bit.  As the afternoon and evening wore on Co. and I talked about things that were going on and life in general.  She seemed to be in a bit of a better place by nightfall and then on Sunday we were all around the house.  She still had a bit of an attitude and would be staying home from school on Monday with me until they decided how long she would be suspended for.

Well, Co. had hurt his leg at the jump park on Saturday so he stayed home with Ch. and I on Monday. It was his 10th birthday and I tried to include him in things. I took Ch. to the library to get a book to read and after we ate lunch she had to do some Algebra with me.  Things went well for the most part of the day, until R. got home from work and Ch.’s attitude returned.

Well, R., was trying to talk with Ch. about what was going to happen and Ch. did not want to hear it.  WWIII had broken out and I felt bad for Co. because it was his birthday.  At one point Ch. took off out of the house without a word spoken and R. called the cops out of fearing for her safety.  Luckily Ch. returned before the cop arrived… It took sometime but the two of them eventually talked a bit on and off that night. It was decided that Ch. would have ISS for the remainder of the week. If she was going to be home, she was going to be coming to NJ with me, against her will if needed.

I talked to R. and asked her if she wanted me to stay because I didn’t want to overstep my boundaries. She was telling them it is all well and good to talk with me but once I was gone, they would only have R. R. asked me to stay because she still needed some support and she wasn’t to keen on Ch. coming home from school to an empty  house.

Well, I ended up having all appointments cancelled this week. So I am staying through the weekend and will head home either Sunday night or Monday morning. I see Matt on Tuesday and I know he’ll want to “dissect” this with me. I have also been in touch with Dr. Weiss who kind of laughed when I told him the behaviors and was like, sound familiar?! I see so much of Ch. in me and R. and I both feel that Ch. may be diagnosed with bipolar down the road. I feel bad that she may meet that fate one day and I hope she realizes everything her Mom does is in her best interest.

So, I’ve been helping around the house this week. Running errands and doing chores for R. and taking Ch. to the library and such. Hopefully we have a “relaxing” weekend and Ch. keeps her mood on the upswing!

You Say You Want To Be Friends…

I have people in my life that say they are my friends and that they want to be friends but why should I believe them when they do nothing to prove it other then stating so. I have M., who yes, I fell out of touch with and whenever I talk to her she says she wants me to come visit. Yet, I’m the one that calls her to check-in see how she and her family are doing. Yet, she never calls me or messages me on Facebook even. I have to make all the contact and it isn’t just with M. It is with many “friends” who do this such thing. Me, being so lonely, I keep reaching out to all of these individuals who have no interest in having any contact with me on the phone, let alone in person. There is K, K, M, M, to name a few. I can call, text, etc. and it gets nowhere. Unless I say it is an emergency, then I will get a response. Now, some I don’t hold it against them because they are married, have kids, jobs, etc. What gets to me though is you are all over Facebook and post pictures having fun with others but don’t reach out to me. If it wasn’t for me being so lonely on my car rides I would probably never call these people. I got to stop kidding myself about all of these people really wanting to be my friends. I shouldn’t need to text or leave a message that I’m in crisis for someone to respond. A true friend should want to talk no matter what the conditions are. I do feel more and more that Kimberly is my only friends. Yes, I have more going on in my life then her but that is with family and volunteer like things, or neighbors that are like family. So, I cannot be faulted for that but even babysitting gets to me eventually.

Okay, rant over!


I don’t know why I have been struggling so much as of late. If this is a result of being away in Florida without family then I don’t see Mom wanting to let me go away for a month or just even another week in Florida again. I have been having a hard time stabling myself and even had the emergency appointment with Dr. Lichtman. Since he upped my seroquel to 400 mg I have been doing somewhat better. However, I had to complete the cycle before it could work. When I went and saw Dr. Lichtman, I was very close to having him take me off of 400 and putting me back on 300. However, before I left, I had become manic. Eventually in another day or two I crashed and became depressed. Then this past Friday I had a huge bout of anger and a temper tantrum. I of course took it out on my Mom and I need to stop doing that. I yelled that the only reason I’m here is because I couldn’t put everyone through what they would go through if I killed myself. I am still back and forth emotionally.

Well, tonight, Kate found out that she is a trigger for me. She had noticed I was agitated on Tuesday night and asked my Mom why that was and also why I wasn’t over last night. So, Mom was honest with her and told her which Kate was like I can change. Mom told her it isn’t anything that she does necessarily, it is just that there is something that sets me off and it is something I have to work out internally. I know I hurt her and it upsets me that I have hurt her. I just don’t want to be the cause of anyone’s pain.

Anyway, I didn’t hear back from Dr. Lichtman today like I should have. So I will see if he calls me tomorrow or not. I kind of dread talking to him if he does because I am fearful of what he may say if I am totally honest. I don’t want to go back to a hospital type program but I feel like I’m being steered there.

That’s all for now… I just need to get out of my head! That isn’t an option though…

Being Bipolar Sucks

Ever since I came back from Florida I have been struggling emotionally. While I was away in Florida I was able to concentrate on Kimberly and her illness. I did so well while I was away that everyone was shocked. Yet, when I came home, my focus was back on me and my issues. I was lost again in my own mind and my own issues. It didn’t mean others were focused on me, it just means I was coming off my “high” of being away and distanced from all the things that make me struggle with my issues.

I met with Matt the week after I got back and things were going fine. It wasn’t until last week that I started to get manic. Mom pointed it out and Matt noticed it a little. I called Dr. Lichtman last week about the mania and he had me come into his office to gauge it. I was put on 400 mg of seroquel until my appointment. Well, I was doing fine at the beginning of my appointment I was doing find and had gotten Dr. Lichtman to agree with putting me back on 300 mg of the medication. Yet, right before my session ended, my mania kicked into gear and he was like, nope, you still need the higher dose. Well, since I was out of medication he agreed to 350 mg as a compromise.

Now, let me say, my mania is not an issue at all. I get hypo-manic and it is really just that I get a bunch of energy, feel like I’m jumping out of my skin, talk a lot and much more rapidly.

So, my mania continued after I left his office on Monday. I had to go to DeVry on Wednesday to pick up a computer from Tyrel. While there I did a stop in at Matt’s office and he could notice I was manic. I told him I love being manic because it makes me feel alive and well. Matt, Michelle, and Mom, were all like it is that coming down of the mania that they are worried about. When I stopped in to see Michelle she was like I’ve never seen you this way before. Well, by the time I left DeVry I had started coming down a bit and then by the end of the night I was completely done.

I was at the point where I hated my life, didn’t want to live this way anymore, was looking up inpatient options, and just struggling in general. I sent three emails to Matt just to get it all out and I kept apologizing for all the emails. I finally broke down and put in a call to Dr. Lichtman’s emergency line. He said he wasn’t to shocked to hear from me and put me back up on 400 mg of seroquel. The only issue with that is I sleep a lot on this medication.

So, now I’m sleeping a bit to much but it is a side effect of the medication. Yet, I’m not as depressed and I’m not suicidal. I do miss the mania a bit because it makes me feel “normal” in a way. I’m just tired of being mentally ill but I know there is no cure for it. I just want to be okay and I want Kimberly to be okay as well.

Now, this rant is over and I still believe that being Bipolar sucks. Yet, I think of the good thing about is that I made some good friends as a result. Kimberly and Rachel are my two closest friends and if I didn’t go to the Women’s Outpatient program at Princeton House, I would not have met them. These two have gotten me through a lot and I have helped them get through a lot. I don’t know where I would be without them and I can’t wait to see both of them again sometime soon!

I Survived

Well, on the 20th of January I departed for Florida and had a great vacation. I landed in Orlando and Kimberly was waiting for me in baggage claim. It was so great to see her and just to hug her. I miss her so much and I know she really misses me. We went to check in at the resort and relax for the night.

Our first day in the Magic Kingdom was magical. Kimberly’s excitement definitely caught on with me. It was a different experience because we waited in line to meet majority of the Princesses and we had our pictures taken with all of them along with other photos in the park. After spending the day in the Magic Kingdom we took the monorail to Epcot. There we met more Princesses, took some other great shots, and went out to a nice dinner.

Our second day we started out in the Animal Safari and the safari is just an awesome thing to experience. We had lunch at the Rain Forrest Cafe and then headed back to the Magic Kingdom. At the Magic Kingdom we met more princesses, saw the fireworks and the light show. It was an awesome way to end our time at Disney World.

Then on Thursday we headed to Sea World and it was kind of a disappointment. We saw two shows but that was about it. At that point both of us were kind of done and wanted to leave so we headed out to Ikea before making the trek to Kimberly’s place in Tallahassee.

We were a sore site to see in Ikea. Some guy who was shopping took pity on us and helped us load the furniture boxes onto the car and others took pity on us along the rest of our time in the store with helping us steer the carts. The drive back to Tallahassee Kimberly ended up driving and we hit a lot of rain but we made good time I think.

I have to say that times when we were on our own and while in Tallahassee were challenging. Kimberly has DID and since she moved a new alt has surfaced who is a 13 year old girl. Well, Kasey would come out a lot in Disney and I had to change my “role” when she came out and be ready to handle a teenager. She was very excited but also got scared easily too. She thought she lost me while shopping and I take fault for not considering that Kimberly would switch like that and keep her in site. This proved to be challenging at times but I just rolled with it!

My time in Tallahassee was great and I wish I was there right now. Kimberly’s Mom is fantastic and she made me feel welcomed from the get go. She made sure I was comfortable and had what I needed and spent time with us every day. Kimberly went downhill when she got back home and started to switch a lot and had little energy. I guess this is how she was prior to the trip and they were very worried about her going on this trip. Kimberly and I would run errands every day, went to the movies one day, worked on the Ikea furniture, and just hung out.

On my second to last day a new alt emerged while we were out shopping. When Kimberly’s Mom got home from visiting Kimberly’s Dad in rehab I called Kimberly down to come talk with us. It broke my heart to tell her that she had a new personality and when she sat on the stairs and cried I just wanted to cry with her. I just cannot imagine having all these different parts. Especially since the one that was new hadn’t made itself known to Kimberly yet. I cannot imagine being in my head with all these other “people” talking at once. I just wish I could help her and make it easier for her but I know all I can do is be there for her.

Kimberly and I also went one day to visit her Dad in rehab and to see his progress. Kimberly was in tears because she had yet to see her Dad stand or walk in months and we saw him do both while we were there. It was just great to see and he wanted to see me as well.

I was due to come home on Tuesday the 27th but NJ was supposed to get hit with a Blizzard and my flight was cancelled. So after about 5 hours of trying to talk to someone with United I was able to reschedule my trip and I pushed it back to Friday. I got to stay away from the snow and in some “warmer” weather for awhile longer.

Kimberly’s Mom drove us to the airport because she was worried about Kimberly switching while driving. Well, she did switch and it was the new alt that came out. So her Mom got to meet Cassidy for the first time and experience that. It was hard for me to say Goodbye because while I was saying goodbye to Kimberly I wasn’t at the same time. I was talking to Cassidy at that moment. So I hugged Kimberly and told Cassidy to tell Kimberly I loved her and was going to miss her like crazy.

When I talked to Kimberly when I got home later that day I asked if she was told this but Cassidy still hasn’t made herself known to Kimberly. I just re-iterated that I loved her and will really miss her. I just want to be there for her and help her so much. It pains me to be so far away from her.

Now it’s back to the usual here. We already had a snow storm and I see Matt again tomorrow. I have been struggling to adapt to being back home. While I did great while away, settling back in here, has been a bit rough. So hopefully it just improves. I am going with Mom to a wake for Aunt Carol’s father tomorrow afternoon so we shall see how the day progresses.